June 15: LISTMANIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
well i had my birthday week and it's almost been a year that i've been illness free. no colds, no flu, no coughs, no sore throats, no fevers. of course, after writing this journal i'll probably come down with crabs, but until then, it's time for a long overdue, slightly less scandalous LISTMANIA!!
i used to get sick all the time. some of you have even had to sing for me at my shows (see: Hailey in Vancouver). When I did SNL with Bowie, I was, yup, sick. I've been sick for several tours. I've steamed my head over a pot in Dublin to have a voice for one of my shows there. but for a whole year, no illness!
here are ten ways that i've kept healthy the past year. no, let's do this in a more fun way.
if you want to get super-duper sick, follow these 10 easy-breezy steps!
1. GET YOUR ASS ON A PLANE.
Sit near the back where all the germs collect upon take-off. Refuse those warm little cloths they give you, in fact, ask someone in your row if you can bury your face in theirs after they've wiped down. While you're at it, share an oxygen mask. Fly a cheap charter airline and sit in coach. Nuzzle up to someone who is coughing. Open someone's luggage.
2. DRINK EVERY NIGHT.
Alcohol is fun! It weakens your immune system and makes everyone around you appear gorgeous. Don't mess around with your usual Coors Light, go for the Jack Daniels, the Bushmills Black Bush - the dirtiest of all liquors. They say vodka is the cleanest so steer way clear of that tall bottle of Belvedere. Don't screw this up - stay up all night drinking, especially when you're tired. Instantly, you'll be sick.
3. SMOKE WITH FRIENDS!
Find your sickest, dirtiest, douchiest friends and share their cigarettes. A campfire often encourages this time of important bonding. Smoke terrible narly cigarettes like Benson and Hedges. Do not smoke American Spirit cigarettes because they are additive free and if you're really trying to get sick, you have to do it right. As Danny Michel once said to me and I paraphrase, "If Im gonna do something wrong, I'm going to do it right." Or something like that
4. SAVE YOUR MONEY, DON'T BUY HAND SANITIZER.
That $2.99 can go towards something more useful, like cigarettes or whiskey. Besides, hand sanitizer is chock full of alcohol (most of them) and that dries out your hands. Why not have soft hands, and be sick all the time? Some other sick person will want to hold your clammy hand. Romance!
5. SHARE DIRTY-ASS MICS AT CLUBS
Be rock and roll. Don't bring your own microphone when you have a show, share with others. Isn't that the Canadian spirit? Not only will you sound marginal, you will also enjoy a whiff of Labatt 50 every time you breathe in to sing a verse. A Juno awaits you.
6. BE A BIG WHINER.
There's so much to complain about and so many social media forums in which to do it, just let loose. Talk about how much you hate everything and everyone and how terrible technology is. While you're at it, complain about politicians, taxes, stuff going on in your community and the universe in general. Complain about new planets. People love complainers and it will help you spiral into a negative frame of mind which will prepare you for getting stink-ass ill.
7. STRESS OUT ABOUT EVERYTHING.
You're probably going to die any day, so become bored, tired, grumpy and fat and just stress out about every single thing. Stress about the Canadian weather, your car, your bike, your face, your life, your goals, your job, your bills, your ex, your deadlines, or when you're gonna die.....wait a sec. That's Alanis. Stress about 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
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8. TURN OFF ALL MUSIC.
Music isn't really that important, especially music made before 1985. Life is so much better when everything is just silent, or you're whining or stressing. If you have to listen to music, choose one of those bands where the "writer" has absentee father issues and way too many Marshall stacks. Singing Tibetan bowls are absolutely off limits.
9. EAT A TOTALLY UNBALANCED DIET
First things first, rule out greens from your diet. Why should you have to eat plants anyway when you can eat processed foods out of a box? Plants are for brontosaurus dinosaurs. There are always pictures of brontosauruses eating plants and look where the hell they are. Super-dead and extinct. Kraft it up. Drink loads of coffee and caffeinated energy drinks.
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10. DON'T LAUGH ABOUT ANYTHING.
Watch c-span and follow the blogs of politicians. Play golf. be miserable.
Well, I hope you've enjoyed this 10-step program to illness.
One thing i haven't had a lot of this past year is sleep. So the theory that sleep is necessary for good health is, for me, totally UNTRUE! Nasa says all you need is a 24 min nap and you're good to run the space shuttle, so I'm going with that.